Once again I found myself surprised the other day by the once familiar "psst, you busy" of the Dark Lord. Sure, my wife says I don't really hear the Dark Lord talk to me, but I think she only says that jokingly as the alternative is potentially far more fucked up than trying to get a porcupine up the poop shute. Clearly assuming it is the Dark Lord is a vastly better option than the potential that it is just one of the voices in my head. If it was one of them, that would mean the horrible shit I say here is actually coming from me and then there is the potential for professional help being required or just stabbing the voices with a Q-tip until they shut the fuck up. I prefer to think that it is the Dark Lord. Besides, there is no way I could be this creative and insightful on my own.
Without any hesitation I answered with my once routine "what's on your mind". Well, he immediately went on to point out that it was Christmas. I agreed, he had the date correct. We both knew it was originally a Pagan holiday and a damn good one at that. However, what I didn't know was the truth about the birth of Jesus, to biological reasons for loving the entire world, the difficulty the Romans had with killing him, his disciples, how the rock was removed from the front of his cave and why that moody dad of his put him on earth without genitals. It was truly a mind-blowing explanation. I asked him nicely if I could share some of his "true history" with the rest of you. He initially said no but then I pointed out that somebody had to share such wisdom with the rest of the world.
Jesus was in fact born with Down Syndrome. Yes, Jesus was the worlds first Down Syndrome celebrity and not Chris Burke from Life Goes On. I know, the idea that Jesus was "special" might have actually meant "mentally challenged" is shocking. Even I was shocked by such knowledge and denied its authenticity. So the Dark Lord went on to explain it all in some detail. More detail than I will be giving for now as I am lazy and not typing it all in here today. Jesus was born to Mary (a huge pot smoker, might I add) with Down Syndrome. The birth took place in a manger in order to avoid the obvious which would have been a diagnosis by a local doctor that the child was simply fucked up and abnormal. Who were the three wise men? Get this, they weren't even wise men. They didn't bring gifts but payment in order to enter the manger to see Joseph's freak show with the retarded genital-deprived child and its mother Mary blowing the donkeys. Shit, it wasn't even a bright star in the sky, it was sperm that splattered onto the damn ceiling! I know, what the fuck, right? Down Syndrome Jesus, his donkey blowing mom and her manager/husband Joseph all left Bethlehem after putting on what the local critics called a tour de force series of shows.
Why was he born with Down Syndrome and no genitals? Deity genetic engineering! They needed somebody who was incapable of looking around and realizing that people fucking suck and don't deserve to live. They needed somebody mentally challenged but without the ability to reproduce. The clear solution was that the son of God had to be born with Down Syndrome and no testicles. Sure, there could have been more elaborate ways of doing it but for fucks sake God was tired of trying all that mystical ways shit and just wanted to use the damn Easy Button for once. No sense in letting the Dark Lord have all the less mystical and immediate fun. I heard God liked it so much he hired somebody to write a few chapters of his Master Plan a couple decades later while God was on vacation. The Dark Lord wanted you to all know that period was meant to be a rough draft, but lost track of time and was too close to the deadline so don't be mad about the Dark Ages. Now you know where it got its name.
Down Syndrome Jesus and his genetic inability to hate humanity unfortunately created some unusual side effects and support system. First off was his freakish strength which we all now call Retard Strength. His retard strength meant he was a powerful foe to the Roman foot soldiers. His incredible strength made it impossible to enter into the arenas for blood sport. That is why they put him up on the cross in order to wear him down. His protruding tongue up on the cross weakened him as he began to dehydrate. That was the only way to wear him down enough so that the spear could actually penetrate his side. Once taken off the cross and put into his cave he was able to rest up and regain his freakish super strength. He simply rolled the boulder away from the cave entrance and wandered off.
Yes, he wandered the fuck off. What, you've never seen a retard wander off? Clearly you have never attended the Special Olympics or else you would have also known that the followers of Jesus were not actually disciples of Jesus but in reality they were his handlers, wranglers or keepers. They were appointed by God to watch over Down Syndrome Jesus while he was traveling on his adventures. He had to have several as the normal mortals would grow tired of trying to keep up with the retarded son of God. Until the day of his being placed on the cross they had done a fairly good job of keeping tabs on the little guy. Without them around he rolled the boulder to the side and away he went. Who knows, he might have wandered all the way over to the Mayans and gave them all a great fucking scare. Scared them so bad they thought he would bring about a great apocalypse.
He turned water into wine? Says who? The Bible? Yeah, haven't you already learned that it was a work of science fiction based loosely on reality much like Scientology. He never literally made water into wine. Sure, there was wine where ever he went. You know why? Simply put the guy liked to get fucked up. He would drink his self silly. His dad was God, he had a posse of handlers, he was freakishly strong, couldn't actually get some random whore pregnant and he could promise people really cool shit in the after life if they did shit for him like blowjobs, buying him drinks and so on. He didn't literally make water into wine but in a figurative sense he certainly was the life of the fucking party.
So essentially Jesus was an alcoholic Down Syndrome son of God with no genitals, he bribed people with promises of taking care of them in the after life, the disciples were actually his handlers, the use of the cross was simply to wear him down, even a spear to the side couldn't kill Super Tard, he moved the boulder on his own and then wandered off never to be seen again. I believe that might have also been the original plot to the movie Harry and the Hendersons but I'd have to ask the Dark Lord as he is apparently the history expert. Aren't you glad you read this? People spend years if not decades of their lives reading the politically correct version of the bible when in reality the story was much more interesting and politically incorrect then we were misinformed by organized religion.