No, You're Wrong

This morning while listening to a coworker explain his version of reality and events I realized one very important fact. People appear to lack imagination, creativity and problem solving skills. OK, maybe not all people but for the most part it appears that it is a large swath of the general population. Large enough that I end up dealing with them daily at some point. Not saying I am a magnet for the stupid who want to test their level of stupidity. I would never go that far. I simply run into more then a few of them on a daily basis that it has tainted my view of the average jackass walking down the street. I simply fail to see how many of these so called humans managed to exist for so long without the loss of fingers, toes, arm, legs or their very fucking lives. Possibly Luck just so happens to favor the stupid as part of an effort to get us to one day kill ourselves with nuclear or biological weapons as a last ditch effort to save the planet.

Anyways, before I go down that path and tell you how you are all doing to die one day in a puss filled boil created from some sort of mutated nuclear fallout I will get back on track. I realized that even some of your very favorite sayings are in fact wrong. Think about it, you know the ones. The ones that are catchy little hand me down sayings from your parents who were equally without originality. The "you can't nail jello to a wall" or "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". I'll continue with "spare the rod and spoil the child". Well, OK maybe that one has proved to be accurate. However that doesn't mean the others are valid. The grass is always greener is another nice expression. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it must be a duck. Every cloud has a silver lining and lets not forget to each his own.

First off you are an idiot if you without question believe that you can't nail jello to a damn wall. Yes, an idiot. I know you will say that it isn't a liquid or a solid and it would just tear apart if you tried to nail it to a wall. Yep, right there, that proves you have zero ability to think through problems. I can nail jello to a wall. Fuck I did it the other day just to test my theory that it could in fact be nailed to a wall. Don't believe me? Well then let's put some money on it. You must donate $20 to the local SPCA when I prove you are wrong. Wrong like the jury at the Casey Anthony trial. How pray tell did I nail jello to a wall? I froze it! Yep, it was that damn simple. I froze that shit using some dry ice that came with some Omaha Steaks. Sure, first I froze it a little in the freezer and then used the dry ice but that shit still got solid enough to be nailed to a wall. Actually it was a tree out back but the point remains the same. I proved you can nail jello to a wall. Oh and remember to make that $20 donation.

Next up we have the old myth that you can only lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I haven't actually put this one to the theoretical test but I am pretty damn sure it would work if push came to shove. How would I do it? Simple, not give the fucking horse water for an entire day. By the time I lead the horse to the water that son of a bitch would drink its ass off. If it happened to be a stubborn horse then I would get a beer bong, jam the hose down its throat and begin pouring in the water. Oh, it would certainly be drinking then. Yep, that old saying is wrong. Anybody can lead a horse to water and make it drink. All they had to do was think shit through a little. Problem solved.

They say that the grass is always greener. Often it is. You know why? Some asshole isn't already living on that side of the fence. Isn't grazing and eating the shit up. If they are then they are likely taking care of that side of the fence by watering the damn thing. Perhaps if you got off your lazy ass and took care of your side of the fence you wouldn't have a reason to look on the other side. You might think it is greener but you'd just fuck it up once you got over there anyways. Not likely you would even know what to do with that side of the fence. It is much like people that move out of the city in order to escape the congestion and to live in the country. Only then you start to pave over the countryside in order to make it resemble the place that you just came from. You could ruin a wet dream so it is best if you stop looking at the other side of the fence.

I just don't get the expression about if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it must be a duck. I can totally prove that one wrong. It doesn't even take much effort. I saw this very thing on late night TV once. What is the second thing that walks like a duck and quacks like a duck? A Yiffer. Yep, one of those people that gets off on dressing up like animals. They roll around in "Yiff Piles" and get their furry clad rocks off. A bit like Pony Play only more involved and it requires a complete costume rather then a strap on horse tail and a ball gag halter in your mouth. Not really sure how far back the whole Yiffing genre has been around for but it certainly throws a wrench into the old assumption that it was a duck. It just might be some deviant human in a duck costume.

Clouds are said to have a silver lining which is stupid. They clearly do not have a silver lining. You can look up in the sky and see that much for yourself. Some clouds have funnel clouds coming off the bottom. Some clouds are full of acid rain. I can offer a bit more evidence that not all clouds have a silver lining. How? Night. I've never seen a silver lining on a cloud at night. Mostly because of the lack of fucking sunlight you moron. Don't go saying moon light because that isn't a silver lining. That is simply the light from the moon making the cloud partially visible. No need to go on saying such stupidity. There is no silver lining. There is just some morons who are too stupid to come up with a better reference for things being shitty but offering a glimmer of less shitty times ahead.

Finally we come to the age old and annoying saying of "to each his own". Yeah, no shit. If everyone was doing it then there would be no disagreement and therefore no reason to talk shit about that person. Then if you really wanted more reasons not to say it then how about rapists, killers, politicians and any other less then honorable person? Do you say to each his own in reference to their sick desires? Oh, him, he only likes to rape children. I don't, but to each his own. You see how fucking stupid that sounds? If I said I wanted to jam a lit bottle rocket up your ass, spray your eyes with pepper spray and push you down on a fire ant mound would you be so generous as to stop your screaming and remind me of "to each his own"? Probably not. Be able to stop screaming that is.

You see some of the oldest and in my opinion most idiotic catch phrases that are still in use today simply need to be stopped. If you ever gave them a bit of thought you too might easily find a way to disprove such sayings. In fact, I hope you do. The fewer jackasses out there using them the better. How many of you can come up with some other sayings that you have heard and explain them away as completely inaccurate? I'd love to hear a few of yours.

Speak English or Speak Much Louder

Have you noticed that when there is a language barrier that at least one of the persons attempting the conversation begins to speak louder? If at first you don't succeed I guess the solution is to speak louder and louder until you are almost yelling at the person. Is it some innate human response in that we believe it isn't a matter of not understanding the words but not understanding them at the current tone, inflection and volume? I bet we've all done it at one time or another. Sure, it might seem insensitive to the other person or people being eventually yelled at but shit happens. With that in mind, why is it that only one side typically begins to raise their voice? It isn't like both sides progressively get louder and louder until everyone around them believes they are about to fight. At best the other person just looks on like the person yelling had just sprouted a third fucking eye and shit baby unicorns.

I have come to realize that it isn't always just a matter of the language barrier. Nope, this gradual increase in ones voice can happen in more situations then just the typical language barrier. It can also be found when one person is speaking in terms of reality and commons sense where as the other person is clearly using some sort of individualized logic free of rationality or reality. Today I saw a cashier using common English terms that from my perception both sides should have been capable of doing. The conversation should have been short and to the point. Alas it was not. The cashier was having a language barrier between her language of common sense and reality. Where as her customer's language of idiocy, self delusional grandiosity rendered the entire thing moot by its inability to understand the fucking meaning of no. To be more precise the meaning of "I can't help you as that isn't even something that we sell".

Sure enough the customer who is not getting their way begins to speak louder. Only in slight amounts at first. It quickly grew louder and louder until she was basically yelling at the cashier who was by the bounds of reality incapable of helping the customer as they did not sell that fucking product you fucking bitch I hope you die in a damn car fire. Sorry, got a bit off track there at the end. It wasn't that one person was speaking a Chinese dialect and the other was speaking German. Nope, they both spoke the same language. The problem was the language of reality. One person could just not understand how it was possible that the other could not bend or work some sort of magic by pulling the desired product from her ass simply because this customer demanded it.

A language barrier can be found within the same language. It happens when one person is just too fucking stupid, self centered, over-indulged or coddled that they are live in a word where there really is no such thing as no. Where anything they want is required to be available to them when, where and for whatever they want to pay for it. When faced with the language of reality, reason and common sense they treat it as any other language barrier. One that can only be bridged by repeating ones demands over and over progressively louder each time. Personally, had she sprouted a third eye and shit baby unicorns I would have at least offered to point her in the right direction to where she could of found it. I mean, after all, if you sprout a third eye ball and begin shitting baby unicorns I'd just want you to get the fuck away from me you third eye having and baby unicorn shitting freak.

US Elections

Once again we find ourselves deep in election year bullshit. No, not the typical every year bullshit as in politicians fucking over the average person and pretending they didn't do it. Not to be confused with some Lifetime Network movie about date rape at a frat house kegger. Nope, we are in the Presidential Election bullshit. Once again our country has been given the chance to pretend it is a democracy rather then a Republic. To pretend that we are actually getting a say in how our nation is run. We will get the attack ads, the outright false vote for me ads and we will get the groups putting out all sorts of crap ads well outside the control of our election rules thanks to the US Supreme Court. A Supreme Court nominated by and approved by the very politicians that they ruled in favor on when it comes to further perverting our election system with greed.

Now you have to admit that our stunningly ineffective two party system and the primary system is a bit like Speed Dating. We are all a bunch of blonde women with daddy and self esteem issues after a few drinks. We aren't exactly super excited about any of the potential candidates. Regardless after a rather short period of time of being given nothing but sound bites, controlled information and a regimented schedule we are expected to choose one of those people to take us home and fuck the shit out of us for the next four damn years. Not sure if the four years is ironic or intentional anymore given that is also likely the average length of a marriage in the US currently. We just hope the motherfucker doesn't leave us with some sort of disease like an unwarranted war or new government program.

Recently I saw an article about the percentage of time that the candidate who raised the most money (only counting their direct contributions and not outside groups) ended up winning the election. It was actually a very surprising amount of time. Surprising enough that it makes our system seem less like a psuedo democracy and more like we are no more then employees of a massive multi-national corporation. We don't elect a President as much as the corporations acting as a Board of Directors appoints a CEO that we all pretend to agree on. Much like in large corporations today the President/CEO is not required to take any responsibility for the success or failures of the company. The CEO is there as a figure head for the Board of Directors. They announce the decisions of the Board of Directors and lavish pay and praise is put upon all those in charge even as the entire thing is crashing to the ground like the housing market. Yep, United States of Enron.

Remember vote early, vote often and don't blame anyone but yourselves. They say people in large groups can change the world. In our case every four years we make a change but it certainly isn't progress. You all talk about 'change and making a statement". You want to make a "statement" then go down to the voting booths and take a large odor rich dump in the fucking voting booths. I'm serious, go down there, show them you are registered to vote, take a step into that booth and shit on the electoral system in America in a nice and blunt literal sense. Shit on it the way it has shit on us taxpayers for decades. There has been an Arab Spring now let there be an American Fall. I hope that gets some tractions and takes off faster then the Occupy movement. We don't need flashy commercials or cool slogans. Fuck it, if you need a good slogan then call it Take A Dump for True Democracy Day. Fuck yes, I gave a shit and I did it at the ballot box, how about you?

Down Syndrome Jesus

Once again I found myself surprised the other day by the once familiar "psst, you busy" of the Dark Lord. Sure, my wife says I don't really hear the Dark Lord talk to me, but I think she only says that jokingly as the alternative is potentially far more fucked up than trying to get a porcupine up the poop shute. Clearly assuming it is the Dark Lord is a vastly better option than the potential that it is just one of the voices in my head. If it was one of them, that would mean the horrible shit I say here is actually coming from me and then there is the potential for professional help being required or just stabbing the voices with a Q-tip until they shut the fuck up. I prefer to think that it is the Dark Lord. Besides, there is no way I could be this creative and insightful on my own.

Without any hesitation I answered with my once routine "what's on your mind". Well, he immediately went on to point out that it was Christmas. I agreed, he had the date correct. We both knew it was originally a Pagan holiday and a damn good one at that. However, what I didn't know was the truth about the birth of Jesus, to biological reasons for loving the entire world, the difficulty the Romans had with killing him, his disciples, how the rock was removed from the front of his cave and why that moody dad of his put him on earth without genitals. It was truly a mind-blowing explanation. I asked him nicely if I could share some of his "true history" with the rest of you. He initially said no but then I pointed out that somebody had to share such wisdom with the rest of the world.

Jesus was in fact born with Down Syndrome. Yes, Jesus was the worlds first Down Syndrome celebrity and not Chris Burke from Life Goes On. I know, the idea that Jesus was "special" might have actually meant "mentally challenged" is shocking. Even I was shocked by such knowledge and denied its authenticity. So the Dark Lord went on to explain it all in some detail. More detail than I will be giving for now as I am lazy and not typing it all in here today. Jesus was born to Mary (a huge pot smoker, might I add) with Down Syndrome. The birth took place in a manger in order to avoid the obvious which would have been a diagnosis by a local doctor that the child was simply fucked up and abnormal. Who were the three wise men? Get this, they weren't even wise men. They didn't bring gifts but payment in order to enter the manger to see Joseph's freak show with the retarded genital-deprived child and its mother Mary blowing the donkeys. Shit, it wasn't even a bright star in the sky, it was sperm that splattered onto the damn ceiling! I know, what the fuck, right? Down Syndrome Jesus, his donkey blowing mom and her manager/husband Joseph all left Bethlehem after putting on what the local critics called a tour de force series of shows.

Why was he born with Down Syndrome and no genitals? Deity genetic engineering! They needed somebody who was incapable of looking around and realizing that people fucking suck and don't deserve to live. They needed somebody mentally challenged but without the ability to reproduce. The clear solution was that the son of God had to be born with Down Syndrome and no testicles. Sure, there could have been more elaborate ways of doing it but for fucks sake God was tired of trying all that mystical ways shit and just wanted to use the damn Easy Button for once. No sense in letting the Dark Lord have all the less mystical and immediate fun. I heard God liked it so much he hired somebody to write a few chapters of his Master Plan a couple decades later while God was on vacation. The Dark Lord wanted you to all know that period was meant to be a rough draft, but lost track of time and was too close to the deadline so don't be mad about the Dark Ages. Now you know where it got its name.

Down Syndrome Jesus and his genetic inability to hate humanity unfortunately created some unusual side effects and support system. First off was his freakish strength which we all now call Retard Strength. His retard strength meant he was a powerful foe to the Roman foot soldiers. His incredible strength made it impossible to enter into the arenas for blood sport. That is why they put him up on the cross in order to wear him down. His protruding tongue up on the cross weakened him as he began to dehydrate. That was the only way to wear him down enough so that the spear could actually penetrate his side. Once taken off the cross and put into his cave he was able to rest up and regain his freakish super strength. He simply rolled the boulder away from the cave entrance and wandered off.

Yes, he wandered the fuck off. What, you've never seen a retard wander off? Clearly you have never attended the Special Olympics or else you would have also known that the followers of Jesus were not actually disciples of Jesus but in reality they were his handlers, wranglers or keepers. They were appointed by God to watch over Down Syndrome Jesus while he was traveling on his adventures. He had to have several as the normal mortals would grow tired of trying to keep up with the retarded son of God. Until the day of his being placed on the cross they had done a fairly good job of keeping tabs on the little guy. Without them around he rolled the boulder to the side and away he went. Who knows, he might have wandered all the way over to the Mayans and gave them all a great fucking scare. Scared them so bad they thought he would bring about a great apocalypse.

He turned water into wine? Says who? The Bible? Yeah, haven't you already learned that it was a work of science fiction based loosely on reality much like Scientology. He never literally made water into wine. Sure, there was wine where ever he went. You know why? Simply put the guy liked to get fucked up. He would drink his self silly. His dad was God, he had a posse of handlers, he was freakishly strong, couldn't actually get some random whore pregnant and he could promise people really cool shit in the after life if they did shit for him like blowjobs, buying him drinks and so on. He didn't literally make water into wine but in a figurative sense he certainly was the life of the fucking party.

So essentially Jesus was an alcoholic Down Syndrome son of God with no genitals, he bribed people with promises of taking care of them in the after life, the disciples were actually his handlers, the use of the cross was simply to wear him down, even a spear to the side couldn't kill Super Tard, he moved the boulder on his own and then wandered off never to be seen again. I believe that might have also been the original plot to the movie Harry and the Hendersons but I'd have to ask the Dark Lord as he is apparently the history expert. Aren't you glad you read this? People spend years if not decades of their lives reading the politically correct version of the bible when in reality the story was much more interesting and politically incorrect then we were misinformed by organized religion.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years! Yep, you all managed to make it through another year of stress, depression, anger, joy, happiness, poverty, indulgence, glutany and otherwise normal daily life. Here's a piece of scornbread. Notice that the texture and taste are unlike anything you've experienced before. Try not to think too much into the how or why of it. Doing so might just stain your soul like listening to somebody with Down Syndrome explain the Twilight Series without the use of Crayons, Play-Dough or those dolls children use to explain where their Priest or College Coach touched them. Aren't you glad you were spared the experience?

So, 2011 was filled with all sorts of fun, wasn't it? I mean we had the continued US economic uncertainty. Not sure why the politicians and news call it the "Economic Uncertainty" when clearly it is far less uncertain then they'd like to make it out to be. If I step in shit I don't call it the Fecal Uncertainty. Why not? Because there is no uncertainty as I am certain that I stepped in shit. No, I don't need to smell it, touch it with my figure or taste it. The economy is much the same. It is shit, plain and fucking simple. Not really any uncertainty about that unless you are a politician or a CEO of some company. Rest assured, it will continue to be certainly shit for much of 2012, if not all of it.

Besides the economy we had another "trial of the century", which pissed off more then a few people. Nothing says motherly love like ditching your dead kid in the words to go enter a wet t-shirt contest. I was hoping it would lead to Casey Anthony Holloween masks but apparently some people believe it is too early to joke about that. Not like I'd wear it to a childrens pool party. That would be insensitive! I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I did something called insensitive. I just don't want to potentially put money into that crazy bitch's pocket. I'd send a care package to the prison of the person who drowns her in the future. Fuck do I hope that future is the near future.

We had the continued War on Terror in 2011. Good to see we are winning that one. Global security has never been so close at hand. We've stripped search grandmothers at the airports, stopped cupcakes from boarding planes, tossed that Baldwin fucktard from a flight, imprisoned potential terrorists for many hours on the various tarmacs across the US, taken a peak under peoples clothing, grabbed a crotch or two, spent over a trillion dollars and we are out of Iraq. Who would have thought we'd of accomplished so much? I mean other then finally getting around to doing the obvious which was killing Bin Laden at his house in Pakistan, our ally. I was pretty sure we'd never actually get that done. Not until we trained his potential replacement in our prisons or colleges. Hey, does that mean we can put up a Mission Accomplished banner at the White House?

This year we had the ever growing problem across our border with Mexican cartels. Not that they weren't a threat in previous years. This year we just couldn't distract you from the real danger with made up danger like Iraq, shark attacks, tires blowing out, whore mothers who kill their children, cult leaders touching children, the crashing housing market, your destroyed 401k's and the still out of hand health care costs in this country. We tried to get that last one taken care of in the previous year but apparently some peoples definition of "reform" has nothing to do with actual reform and more to do with taxation and handouts that could be confused with the current welfare system. This year, we've got our eye on Mexico and not because of the flu. Don't worry though folks, we'll get involved in that one in a major way within the next couple years. War on Cartels, here we come!

Yep, 2011 had a whole bunch of big time news stories. Many of you did your best to ignore them by keeping entertained with various new cellphones, Kindle Fire, I-Pad, Facebook, the Kardashians, NBA lockout, the European economic collapse pending and so on. I tossed that last one to see if you were paying attention. I know most of you couldn't care any less about Europe unless what happens there hurts your ability to borrow money here. You are all far to self centered to look beyond yourself. I doubt that will change in the future as well.

So Happy fucking New Year to you all. I hope you find new ways to avoid reality in 2012 as well. The more you are distracted the closer we can get to the edge of oblivion before you realize just how fucked you all really are. Regardless 2012 is going to be a good time for me, Lee and the Dark Lord. We're going to continue poking fun at you, your values or lack there of, your stupidity and anything else that comes to mind. Like it, love it, hate it or explode in anger over it. That is all part of the fun.